The Illusion of Envy
Tosin Adeoti I’m the kind of person who likes to touch the grass. To be grounded, to connect with people at all levels. My mother always taught me to treat low-level workers with kindness. “When you can afford it, always give them something,” she would say. I suppose it’s a cultural thing; generosity tends to open doors to conversation. And when people talk, they often reveal their aspirations.
Today, I sat with a fruit seller who shared his dreams with me. He spoke about the economy (dammit, always this economy), his ambitions, and, especially, about others his age who were doing better than him. There was envy in his voice; an unspoken frustration, a silent question of ‘why not me?’
I sympathized, of course. I offered him advice, not as a guru, but as someone who has gathered small wisdom from those more experienced than I am, and from books that have shaped my thinking. But I couldn’t help but weave in a bit of Thomas Sowell’s perspective on envy.
It was 1928 and at the peak of his success, legendary stock trader Jesse Livermore was one of the richest men in the world. He had amassed a fortune worth billions in today’s money, moving markets with a single trade. If you were standing next to him at a party, watching him sip champagne under the glow of chandeliers, you might have felt a pang of envy. Here was a man who had everything – wealth, influence, and the respect of Wall Street. The kind of person people like to exchange their lives for.
And yet, just a few years later, the stock market crashed. Livermore lost everything, spiraled into depression, and in 1940, he ended his own life.
This is the deceptive nature of envy. We admire people in the middle of their journeys, assuming their lives are more fortunate than ours. But as Thomas Sowell wisely observed, ‘we have no real way of knowing who is truly fortunate until the very end—and by then, it’s too late’.
I don’t think one can knock comparison too much without sounding robotic. Human beings are wired to compare. It’s how we navigate social hierarchies, assess risks, and even find inspiration. But in an era where success is flaunted online, these comparisons have become even more misleading.
You have heard of Elizabeth Holmes, right? If you have not, she was the former CEO of a company called Theranos. At just 30, she was hailed as the next Steve Jobs, gracing magazine covers and amassing a fortune of $4.5 billion. She seemed to have everything. Yet, her empire was built on lies, and today, she sits behind bars.
The lesson is obvious: The lives we envy often have hidden struggles, and the successes we admire may be built on shaky ground, especially in these days of the internet. I was once chatty with an influencer who made it a point to post glamorous images of her travels. We both knew that what is ‘after six is more than seven’. Few of her followers had such access.
Research confirms that people are often poor judges of their own happiness, and even worse at judging others. A 2020 study published in Nature Communications found that social comparison tends to distort reality. People systematically overestimate how happy or successful their peers are while underestimating their own progress.
There was even a Harvard Study of Adult Development, which tracked individuals for over 80 years, found that long-term happiness wasn’t linked to wealth, career success, or status, but to deep relationships and meaningful work. Many people who were envied for their riches ended up lonely and regretful, while some who seemed ordinary led deeply fulfilling lives, the study concluded.
Life isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon. The person ahead at km 10 may collapse by km 20, while the one lagging behind may find their second wind. Another doing well at km 5 could be doing even better at km 29. And that’s the point. How can you really know? J.K. Rowling was a struggling single mother at 30, living on welfare, before Harry Potter changed her life. A man who had a company which used to share the same floor with us did not start his career until his 50s after series of bad fortune.
Imagine if either of them had given in to envy, comparing themselves to their more “successful” peers in their 20s and 30s. They might have abandoned their journeys too soon.
If we accept that we can never truly know who is more fortunate until the very end, the logical conclusion is to focus on our own paths. Instead of measuring our lives against others, we should define our own version of success. Morgan Housel recommends this a lot. The question: What truly matters to you?
We also need to play the long game. This is because life’s fortunes change. What seems like failure today may be the foundation of future success.
And there is no substitute for practicing gratitude. Studies show that those who focus on what they have, rather than what they lack, report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction.
Envy is a game where the rules are unclear and the scoreboard is incomplete. The tragedy of envy is that by the time we understand what truly matters, it is often too late.
So instead of looking at others with envy, perhaps the wiser path is to walk our own journey with patience, knowing that true fortune can only be measured in hindsight.
“One of the many problems with envy is that you have no real way of knowing that someone is more fortunate than you until you are both at the end of your lives — and then it is too late.”
~ Thomas Sowell
